20s loneliness that blindsided you

Nothing more romanticized than our old friend loneliness

Of late, have any of you been feeling excruciatingly lonely?

          Alright I must apologize for the question, that was unnecessarily hurtful and mind numbingly dumb. If you’ve lived to breathe your twentieth year of progressively polluted tropospheric air, congratulations bonnybae, you’ve experienced loneliness some time or the other. Most likely since the day your age report read two decades old.

          No one told me about this very prevalent, very inevitable milestone of our youth- the epidemic of loneliness among young people. To say that I have been blindsided is a gross understatement. I, dear bonnies have been thunderstruck, not merely as an old hand in the game but a savant from the rails. I’ve heard the ‘Why do I feel so lonely?’ narrative hundred times over from friends, peers, colleagues and strangers alike. Even as a passive participant in the conversation, it is certainly not easy. Besides my personal experiences, a lot of what I learnt about loneliness also comes from the world beyond my skin. For, at this point my own case has been severely overpowered by the impression other people’s stories have left in my mind. The sheer volume of observing other people’s circumstances has somewhat framed my experience on the subject more as a patron rather than an artist.

Is feeling lonely in your 20s normal?

          Forget everything else, let us first establish the basic naturality of this phenomenon.

Everyone feels this way. Everyone. I really could not declare this as ‘normal’ or ‘paranormal’; I do not have that authority of course. I don’t know who does, perhaps a therapist or a judge, but I don’t. What I can tell you is that out of ten new conversations I have in a month, at least eight are about feeling lonely in your 20s. Then perhaps it doesn’t matter whether it is ‘okay’ to feel this way or not. The point is you are, the person behind you in class is, the colleagues you hate at office are, the pretty decked up girl in the metro who you’re trying not to be jealous of is.

In a way, when the entire force of the world has tried to separate everyone into lairs of isolation, we’re ironically still united by that very thing.

         I am a sucker for ironies, I tell you.

Which group suffers most from loneliness?

           Old people? Yes, of course, old people. The twist I’ve found is that old people receive a softer landing into this bitter realm. For a long time, they are aware that they are, or they will be alone after a point of time. This cushions the intensity of their experience somewhat with the added aid that comes from already having gone through life with a good hold on nearly every kind of issue that could shake someone.

           Young adults between the age of 18 to 22 are supposedly one of the loneliest animals traipsing through this planet. We’re still new to this. It is still very much a jump scare. Up until high school, we’ve known loneliness from an extremely superficial layer of knowledge. We felt lonely when we didn’t have friends or didn’t fit in or because of a fall out or losing a loved one and the sorts. Usually, there was a clear reason. More often than not, it was dictated by an external issue that could be systematically ‘dealt with’. When 20s hit, it seems that the surprise gush of loneliness begins to ooze out from within, like a sort of contemplation, a deep unsettling contemplation. It becomes more of an internal struggle despite the presence of outward wellness.

          You’re plagued with existential questions about who you are, what’s your purpose in life, what are you doing with it, where are you heading to, is anything worth anything at all? There is an inevitable disconnect that begins to form as you travel away from the external world and into yourself. This road to 20s self-discovery that will perhaps set the tone for your future persona is one that we can all agree bonnies, is painfully lonely. You could have a set of loving parents, inbuilt life companions in siblings, a well-knit group of friends, a healthy relationship and throw in a pet as well, yet somehow I can vouch that you’re feeling lonely.

      Now this is the trickiest part of it. Concealed loneliness like these are the ones that go most usually unexpressed and as a result, unprocessed. I know some you bonnies are feeling this in your gut right now. The reason for this is guilt. With a seemingly privileged life where one can’t quite find much to complain about, it may feel a little difficult to accept loneliness. Why must you feel lonely when you have so many people around you? Why the crushing weight of isolation when others could have killed for the very blessings you have? It might feel unreasonable to yourself as well, slightly mad even. As if it inspires no sense. That makes it all the tougher to address to none other than yourself that you are indeed not feeling all well.

          Speaking of concealed loneliness, I want to share with you some personal data that I have somewhat unintentionally gathered though these past years of discussions surrounding loneliness with my contemporaries.

Men are lonelier than women

           I am no researcher. I haven’t done any studies on the matter. All I base this off is an endless string of experiences that helped me understand certain conceptual features about gendered loneliness. Studies have shown that at ages of 40s to 80s, women are more likely to lapse into loneliness. However, in our 20s men are still developing considerably slower than their female counterparts, mentally and emotionally. When they are still paving a path of emotional intelligence, the convulsion surrounding life coupled with the crippling weight of ‘needing someone’ renders these men one of the loneliest organisms on the food chain. I cannot tell you the number of conversations I have had with men my age where we began talking about the best subway orders and ended up talking about how eagerly this XY chromosome needs a woman in his life (I haven’t had much opportunity to share this talk with any groups other than pure bred heterosexual hunks, so I apologize about the lack of representation and relatability).

            You see, as I have figured from personal experiences, female friendships naturally contain more expressions. Men could be blood brothers and still find it a smidgen more difficult to express to his fellow mate something that he can perfectly well express to a woman he holds in a similar regard. The reason is very simple. Women are crafted to be more sensitive, to provide a comfortable space for difficult conversations. Please, I expect all my bonnies to be smart enough to not twist this into a fight of the sexes but a simple comparison of features between two differing entities. That and that only. Anyway, this need for a female companion either ends in two issues- blind desire to find a romantic partner to ‘fix’ loneliness or wistfully hoping that a lasting, uncomplicated and purely platonic friendship forms with some likeminded woman (tougher to find than we, progressive dummies want to believe).

           Then begins an endless cycle of hungrily searching for a partner that they can hold onto, leaving very little space for organic connection to bud. Even when these men do manage to find a suitable partner, the relationship feels rather conditional. That may render the experience brittle and thus continue the vicious cycle where I then find said contemporary male peer of mine posing questions like, ‘How to stop feeling lonely in a relationship?’ In our country where parents play the role of Godly essence rather than human presence in their child’s life, it is seen that most of us are on a constant business to please and depend on them. That brings me to my next segment.

How to not feel lonely in relationships?

           This goes for both men and women our age.

           Many people I know still hold the idea that they must marry someone of their parents’ choice ‘to bring them happiness’. They have been so conditioned with this idea that they are unintentionally depending on their parents to find them their partners. Now, by no means am I stating that this is a wrong way of thinking. It works for most right? I am simply drawing a connection between 20s loneliness and a deep-rooted practice that could possibly contribute to it. Throughout twenties, these young adults trot through relationships whilst being entirely aware that they would end up being with someone their parents choose for them, resulting in internal turmoil and self-isolation from not being able to experience the beauty of entirely letting oneself integrate with another fellow human.

           Even if that’s not the issue, many are widely depended on their parents to fix them up, so they never truly give their relationships the work that is needed to create a bond of unadulterated, quality intimacy. There is always a cushion to protect them from the liability of ending up alone. As a result of this, many end up spending most of their 20s in aching loneliness. Regardless of whether he or she ends up being the most content, well accompanied and happy individual later in their 40s with the partners their parents have chosen for them. My account is to highlight a certain trend in conversations I plucked out that could be associated with 20s loneliness.

Like we’ve understood there is no real cheat code to not feeling lonely given any circumstance, even with a partner by your side. The best way to deal with these instances are by working on ourself, addressing our feelings and processing them in a healthy manner. Suppressing them or expecting a relationship to ‘fix’ this internal struggle will do no good. We need to first feel good as an individual to be able to feel good sharing this individuality with another person, not the other way round. Of course, our partners are there to help us through everything in life but understanding where one needs to play a more individual role in their life is key.

How to be alone and not feel lonely in your 20s?

As we grow older, our vision narrows. Where we once dreamed of becoming an artist, a doctor, a writer, a queen all at once, it is now evident that we must streamline our expectations. We tend to make the immediate periphery our entire world. In times like these one can find themselves drawing unnecessary comparisons with things they see around themselves.

When we see our childhood friend progress in their careers, you’re no doubt happy for them. However, whoever is denying that they do not feel an iota of longing to be at the same level with them is either lying or belongs to a zone so rarified, us mortals would poison ourselves with the purity of that air. Similarly, when we see friends in our groups progressing in their relationships, we tend to compare ourselves with them. If we’re single, we die a little inside longing to have what others have, irrespective of whether it suits our life at that time. We want it more because someone else has it and we feel this strange anxiety of missing out, we get FOMO.  In our own relationships we want to move forward hastier than supported in an attempt to ‘catch up’ to the surroundings. Thereby trying to fix something that clearly wasn’t broken in the first place.

In order to not feel lonely, one must master the art of finding comfort in being alone first. The moment you find a way to melt into your own existence and become content with the idea of being with you, there’s a lot of growth you’ll find in yourself. You’ll see that you’re no longer forcing relationships with anyone, thereby doing yourself and the other person a favour of eliminating resultant loneliness arising from shaky, complicated equations. That brings to me the talk about 20s companionship.

No friends in your 20s?

          If you ask me what I look for in a partner, one condition that will always make it to the list is that he should have lasting friendships. It reflects extremely positively upon you if you have people other than your family who love you unconditionally. It shows that you are capable of loving and being loved, maintaining bonds and simply well versed with the idea of sharing your life with others. You know what it means to collaborate with another on a authentically deeper level. Not many people are fortunate enough to have true friendships. If you do, count yourself lucky and send your friend two rupees as a token of your appreciation.

          In my experience, the older we grow, the tougher it is to create friendships of significant gravity. Many people certainly do end up making lovely connections during college and jobs and further on. However, this connection is eerily sublime when formed and nurtured from a young age. Many I know have found it rather tough to open up to people on a similar scale as their childhood during their 20s. They feel as though they have already attained a certain standard of living, and it is difficult to provide easy passage to people now. We become more stubborn and choosier resulting in an impossible benchmark. The point? We end up lonely with no one to go for a simple cup of coffee with.

       Remember, not everyone needs to be a "true" friend.

       It is entirely possible to form different degrees of connection with people without always giving a deeper meaning to it. Growing up, it is not possible to be around our rocks all the time. We can have someone you only go shopping with, someone you only gossip with, someone else you only talk about work with. The point is to allow people into our life. The trick is to mandate how much further we're letting them in. We don’t have to like everything about everyone to allow ourselves to spend an evening with them. We merely have to be able to tolerate most. That is growing up. Sometimes you’ll just want to dance in a room packed with people and have a good time after a long bone-breaking week at work. Do you think that’s possible if you keep shutting yourself to most due to an unnecessarily rigorous quality control check?

The opposite stands true as well. We must learn not to get carried away with superficial bonds and mistakenly lean on them for real support. Doing that can highlight the scarcity of real connections in life and throw us into an abyss of despair. It is important to have enough insight about where someone stands in our life and where we stand in theirs.

---

How to overcome loneliness in your 20s:

1)      Still young, finding yourself is the first step. Unless you know who you are, how are you to address any of your issues. In medical their is a common phrase that says, "Know what is normal first. Only then you can look for the abnormal."

2)      Work on yourself, build character and improve the qualities that you don’t want to accept are flaws.

3)      Make old friendships last by evolving as a person. It is easier to feel like you don’t have to change when you are around old friends. In fact, the idea of changing with them feels painful. However, with time everything must evolve. Even friendships. Trust me, when you do give change a fair chance you’ll find yourself in a much deeper connection than the one you had.

4)      Cut off people that are not good for you. Cut off people whom you aren’t good for.

5)      Meet new people. Best way to learn things is by experience and humans are live, capsules of experiences. So meet as many new people as you can and witness living all around you. You’ll find new appreciation for your same old life.

6)      Be grateful. As simple and annoying as it may sound, practice it for a week to see how little gratefulness we possess consciously.